I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
😂🤣😂🤣
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
honestly, i need both:
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…