Barbie gone wild
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.