I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
who wants to go expliring
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this