Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.