me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
peak technology
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off