Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Wednesday
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
synchronized noseblowing
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.