One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
You Might Also Like
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”