Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?