“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
You Might Also Like
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.