wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
When you’ve simply given up.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.