day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I forgot how to panic. Help