remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
and this one
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.