Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I enjoy a good short stor
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Tell me you get it…🤣
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?