JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
#Caturday
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]