“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Erm…
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God