Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.