when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me too
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there