If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
broke down and did it
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.