I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Encore…
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Flowers bee like
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”