When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
why am I working on Labor Day
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.