The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”