I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
You Might Also Like
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.