“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Mountain Goat : )
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.