“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Yup….perfect score!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…