Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*