Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.