sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT