me, too, girl. me, too.
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Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Dolls on drugs
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it