Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My zodiac sign is pistachio
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se