(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
You Might Also Like
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Rambo Rambow
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.