20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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Lmfao
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
pep talk
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR