You Might Also Like
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.