What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!