I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?