barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Omg 🤣
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.