My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Strange
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Only short people can save us
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I feel this so hard
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.