I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs