Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You Might Also Like
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
New mindset, who dis?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.