I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy