When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Alexa: *deep breath*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
rise and shine we got egg
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)