GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
mom had nothing to worry about
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.