(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate