WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.