lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?