When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.