European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.