Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You Might Also Like
Learn what car your boss drives so you don鈥檛 give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: Accept your flaws. You鈥檒l feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Friend: How鈥檚 your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol鈥檚 extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I鈥檝e lost 2 pounds.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Obi-Wan: it鈥檚 over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If I had a dollar for every time I鈥檝e threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I鈥檇 have about 25 dollars.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count馃槀
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The DaVinci Code but it鈥檚 just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler鈥檚 bed
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.