Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”