My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m not wrong
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.