A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.